The Bachelor

It's opening night in the NBA, so let's celebrate...with Champagne's Nets Dancers Rankings! There's a whole new crop of honeys for '05-'06, presented for your delectation on the Nets Dancers webpage dressed in white-and-silver evening/hootchie-wear combos, as if they were auditioning for your own private, tawdry season of The Bachelor. Well, let the high-kicking begin. In descending order:

1) Laura. See photo at left. Would it be presumptuous to lob a diamond ring tied to a marriage proposal at her tomorrow? This photo, by the way, with the date in some curliquing font written on it, would be our wedding announcement.

2) Angelique. I think that's French for "angel-like," and as depicted in her "action shot," she's flying higgledy-piggledy into my heart with one palm on the ground. Leaving her other palm free to greet me. *Ahem*

3) Melanie. Another lovely lady catches some air. By the way, where are those "turn ons, turn offs"-style biographical snippets you find on other NBA dancer pages? I'd like to register with the Nets Powers That Be that yes, I am very interested in Nets Dancers Favorite Anythings. My "Woo-Style" depends on shouting, from 50 rows back, things like "When is Mr. Big ever going to commit?!!" at the Sex & The City fans likely to be prancing around during time-outs. I've gotta stay on top of the "Likes" of the young new crop of girls, or my pick-up heckles go stale!

4) You know what? I gotta go with Keesha here, in the "clean-up" spot, although Nets Dancer desireability is starting to drop off precipitously...

5) I guess it's you, Marla, since you can lift one leg and pull it straight up to your head.

6) Pia, oh Pia. That's an unflattering picture of you jumping for joy, but the belly you've exposed in your "Whores' Prom" dress is a extremely impressive – and I don't usually go for girls with six-packs. Mainly because I've never encountered any.

7) Oh Siobhan, come here and give me a hug. Join the Taut Belly Brigade. You belong! And I bring people together.

8) Debra could do it for me.

9) That Cecilia seems like a spark-plug.

10) I really like Jacklyn's slightly-cross-eyed-racoon-looking Britney Spears puss. She seems really happy and breasty, and it's probably a crime I got her down here at #10.

11) I think it's about the boobs with Taryn, too. Winter's coming and Champagne feels a chill. A girl like Taryn could keep a pig like Champy from feeling the draft through the cracks in his hut made of sticks.

12) Wow. I suddenly realize what a fool I've been about Sarah. Probably half the guys she went to Middle School with feel the same way right about now. She was gonna go last, but it suddenly hit me that she was not the mouse I took her for at first, second and third glance...I'll bet you I'd totally surprise myself by handing her the rose and the prenuptual agreement (she'll need a lawyerly reminding that I was the one who came into the relationship with the Stephon Marbury bobble-head doll) in an actual "The Bachelor-the-TV-show" setting.

13) Caitlyn or Adar? Lady or The Tiger? I can't tell which one is which. Caitlyn, don't make that face when you're doing splits for NBA Dancer Photographer cameras, or in any other situation, and Adar, you ain't foolin' me by standing sideways (with Jazz Hand!) in your "in motion" shot: your Gown Gallery photo exposes you as kind of wide.

Coming: Champy goes on the road when the Nets go on the road and rates the competition's cheerleading squads. - Champagne