Don't Go In The Pacemate Mansion

If invited to a party at the Pacemate Mansion, I would not attend. Even if I lived there. I'd leave the baby oil in the bathroom cabinet, put the cap on my Pepsi bottle, hang the smoking jacket in my cedar closet, and spend an emotionally dissatisfying evening alone on my circular bed, proof-reading Party Jokes. I'm so dismayed by the low quality of the Pacemates that I can't even muster up the semi-ironic sexism to rank them: none of them make my cut. Even their bios are off-putting – when they aren't just plain-jane. The few "Pacemate Profile" entries of note:

Pacemates Who'd Exhibit The Most Annoying Playmate-Like Behavior: Nicole, who claims the One Thing Most People Don't Know About Me is that "Ninety percent of the time I'm out of the house, I have my teacup dog in my purse. He frequents the mall and movie theatre." Same category, Tiffany this time: "I enjoy taking my teacup Yorkie Madison to run errands or go shopping with me in her pink Juicy Couture purse!"

Sideshow Escapees: Darcy, who was born with her feet completely turned in and had to have casts put on to correct them, and Nikki, who was born with 12 fingers.

The Britney Spears Memorial Teenage Cocktease Award: Kirston's Most Embarrassing Moment was "When I was 15, I went to the restroom in church and somehow ended up getting the back of my skirt stuck in my tights and you-know-what was showing!"

Hurray For You: Erin Michelle wants you to know "I can ride a unicycle and I actually own one myself!"

Who Farted?: Twelve-fingered Nikki on her Most Embarrassing Moment: "During speech class my freshman year in college, I was giving a speech on the health care industry and I...well, let's just say for the rest of the semester, my classmates nicknamed me 'Toot-Toot!'"
- Champagne