Golden Slumbers: My Sleep-Over With the Warrior Girls

At last, we're heading west. Bad news for the Nets; great news for me. The west coast has the girls that really knock ol' Champy out. I'm 39, and will need my rest if I'm gonna take on the young lovelies in three California cities, as well as sun-soaked Phoenix and out-doorsy Denver...so I'm packing my union suit and throwing a Slumber Party in Oakland to kick the trip off Old School. Due to the paucity of biographical information on the Warrior Girls – just name, rank, and hometown – the arrangement of Warrior Girls around my Sly the Silver Fox sleeping bag must by neccessity be based on looks alone. But I'm certain we will get to know each other between munches of caramel popcorn, during and after a showing of The Notebook on the enormously wide, plasma screen, high-definition television set I'm going to buy for Jennifer's apartment (see picture). "Warrior Gals, come out and play!"

1) Jennifer (see picture) can snuggle closest. She had me at...well, she has me. In the best of all possible real lives (assuming you weren't famous), Jennifer would be your girlfriend's best friend, and you would be going mental, trying to constrain yourself from openly commiserating with her about her guy troubles, and whatnot. Leaning too close. Laughing too hard at everything she said; in general, trying not to introduce an awkward moment into every exchange you ever had with her. I just know I would forget I was taken, and wind up drinking in her eyes over a shared quesadilla in the VIP lounge at the Arena in Oakland. Pretty soon she'd stop coming around to visit the Happy Couple. Why Jennifer, why? You're tearing me apart!

2) Shayna: You lie to my right. I'm totally hot for Mandy Moore, which is who Shayna looks like. So there you go.

3) Audrey. Don't go far. Let's stay up and talk.

4) Tiffany. You crash on the couch right near me.

5) Shab. After too many Diet Cokes, I would get giddy and crack a "You're not too Shab-y" gag, and you would hate me, but stay, please, I got silly. Don't call your mom. Put down the phone. Please. Come on. Shab. Shab!

6) Geri. Let's drive to Alameda with the top down. I want to see where you grew up. I want to know everything about you.

7) Jasmin. We'd go in the bathroom and talk about make-up and I'd try to gently get her to tone hers down a little, but she would feel slighted, and hurt; she'd drag her air mattress into an upstairs bedroom. I'd protest to the other women that I was just trying to help, and I was, but I'm an oaf with no "sink-side manner." I'd talk her back to the party, because she looks like fun and I didn't mean anything by it, and she knows that.

8) Nichole. I vote Nichole Second Most Likely to Shout A Gape-Mouthed "Shut UP!" At Anything Anybody Said That Was Remotely Out-of-the-Ordinary.

9) Grey. I vote Grey The Most Likely to to Shout A Gape-Mouthed "Shut UP!" At Anything Anybody Said That Was Remotely Out-of-the-Ordinary. Contrary to her name, I'm imagining she's very colorful.

10) Jen. Jen's a party. No doubt about it. I just want her in the same room I'm in. You get a feeling anything could happen.

11) Maria. The ladies are starting to spill out into the kitchen here.

12) Sara. She's from Diamond Bar, CA, so I would ask her about Keith Van Horn. Isn't he from there? We'd dish about the Van Horns, if – hopefully – she attended the same High School as Sideshow.

13) Sanae. She's the only woman in attendance not from California. She's from Kyoto, Japan, and I would fumble some sort of conversation about Japan with her, most of my lines starting with, "I've never been there, but I've heard..." You know, tell her about her own country, in Classic Manly Fashion. Her eyes would glaze over and she'd probably go home early.

14) Shania. I'm just running out of floor-space; no real reason why she's gotta be stuck on an outer circle. Yearning to be near me.

15) Jennifer "II". Not to be confused with the doll pictured (my #1) and again, not that I find her in any way off-putting. How could I? I am a disgusting human being.

16) Nicole. I'm not even sure I can see Nicole from my section of the shag. She's in like, Parking Lot Q.

17) Shannon. Okay, we're starting to tumble out into the garage at this point. Bundle up, numbers 17 through 21.

18) Alyson. I'm not digging the hair extensions. I'd try to introduce the topic "Alyson's so fake" into the discussion when Alyson went to the bathroom, but the Warrior Girls would shoot me down, and rightly so. They know her, I don't, and I can be a dick.

19) Angelica. Ironic that, slumber-party-sleeping-arrangement-wise, Angelica is about as far away from me as Pluto is from the sun, her orbit out on one of the furthest rings of Hell. Heaven – my fart sack – so far away from fallen Angelica.

20) Kristina. You can drive to Alameda, your hometown too, without me, can't you? I just can't make it. I don't have a reason, okay?

21) Robin. It actually doesn't much matter where I put anybody after my #1 (my sweet, sweet Jennifer – see picture), so don't feel bad, Robin. Even though you'd need to take a trolley to break Doritos with my Inner Circle. Not that we'd let you do so.
- Champagne