Ladies In Waiting On Champagne: The Sacramento Kings Dance Team

Sacramento would probably be the Stepsister City of wherever the Nets played in New Jersey, if the Nets played in an actual city. Like, say, XANADU – rather than what is essentially an industrial park made up entirely of gigantic sports complexes, set in a marshland off Rt. 3. I've never been to Sacramento, but I understand it gets put down by everybody else in California, slandered as a "Cow Town" the way "Cesspool" is national verbal short-hand for Jersey. In contests of skill, we both have a holy dread of the Lakers, who've thwarted us with Kobe and Shaq in seasons of yore. At least our Cinderellas have been to the Ball, even if the Prince got tied up trying to get out of our congested parking lots and failed to shoe us with glory.

But Champagne, whose entire existence is predicated on giving maids a reason to celebrate, has found the Kings Dancers, alright – decked out as they are in wife-beaters and torn jeans, grinning in his direction while four of their members suffocate what could be a sheep dog, a Tribble, or something Sid & Marty Krofft aborted (you tell me). Well, no bother: prepare to feed on honey-dew, be-otches, and drink the milk of paradise!

1) Jeannie lists New Jersey as her "hometown." Now, we know that can't be, but we also all know what she means, okay, and anyway, I would forgive her nearly anything. I should be embarrassed to admit this, but we don't merely share Favorite Foods (Italian, Sushi and – it's uncanny! – gummy Swedish fish), we share Philosophies. No, I'm not talking about "What doesn't kill you does make you stronger," the Nietzsche paraphrase she tries to remember in times of turmoil (hey, how about "What doesn't kill you makes you demoralized and depressed"?). I'm talking about the deeper Nietzschean thoughts expressed in her entry under the heading Most Significant Moment Or Event In Your Life: "I don't think there's just one significant moment in life. I believe that every moment has importance, one way or another. Otherwise, my life may have taken a different path and I wouldn't be where I am now. The way I see it; as long as you take something from every experience, whether it is a happy or sad one, it's a step forward in life, and therefore significant."

She questioned the premise, then established her sanity – oh my. And then there's this, in a paragraph describing her Creative, Spiritual Or Emotional Turn-Ons: "I like to feel supported, but independent at the same time."

You like support? I ape listening like nobody's business. You like independence? How about glacial emotional distance from your concerns, will that cover it? Champagne has been providing such services for unappreciative ladies for several decades now. Jeannie, I'm your man.

2) No Stately Pleasure-Dome should be decreed without a Five-Pak Pussy Posse of Lick-A-Licious Blondes, and when Jeannie slipped out of the SPD, forsooth, Champy shalleth play. With 2a) Becca (seen here, miming the act of eating a Tribble), who is Most Proud Of "overcom[ing] the cliché of being in a needy generation" [!], and who after dance is done with, "would like to see myself in the real estate industry, however I would love to remain in the entertainment business." You're in luck, Becca: real estate IS entertainment. Then there is 2b) Carly, who sees herself in 10 years "as a successful working woman who is filthy rich!!!!!" Charming! Candle aficionado 2c) Kristin will light the SPD for us, crafting the perfect atmosphere for pawing at her; through 2d) Krystal I've learned that the "field of esthetics" is the new euphemism for "the make-up arts," so she'll keep m'ladies in the lipstick color I like (Suppurating Strawberry), and lastly, 2e) Jamie will praise the heavens that she gets to witness Champagne clamber all over her Dome-mates, since her Turn-on is "To watch people who are doing what they love."

7) Sara has the Kings logo tattooed on a fetching hip! We'd have to do it in the dark, then.

8) I'd pamper Cicely with the bubble baths she needs, frothed up with the rarest of imported oils.

9) Summer, you used an emoticon in a bio entry. Did ye not know that emoticons are expressly forbidden in XANADU? Transgressor! How will ye make it up to thy master?

10) Rachel's mouthing prop Mardi Gras beads in her bio photo. Why did I exile her to #10? What am I, out of my mind?

11) Cami's trying to look sexy with a prop men's tie. What? You got probably got shafted by the Kings' prop person when you had your photo taken last ("Sorry, Becca ate all the cotton candy"), but that's just tough, Cami. I call 'em as I see 'em.

12) Candace looks remarkably like Angie Everhart, and now, as of this blog posting, is more famous.

13) Camille's Favorite Holiday is St. Patrick's Day, which is Champagne's least (he's 1/4 self-loathing Irish).

14) Jennifer's favorite "drama" is Moulin Rouge; Champagne is betting that only the upcoming Rent will be the more unwatchable filmed atrocity.

15) Heidi, forgive me if those dirigibles you are smuggling are real. But I just think, they can't be. There's no way. Frankentitties are always banished from Champagne's Empire of Dirt.
- Champagne