Profiles in Discouragement: The Charlotte Bobcats Dance Team

She loves her cheesecake (Jesi prefers it from The Cheesecake Factory), she likes to run (as a "hobby," of all things, as well as for fitness), and she busily projects Daddy Figures into the sky (that impell her towards her earthly goals by witholding affection on a Cosmological scale): she, my friends, is the stereotypical member of the Charlotte Bobcats Dance Team (who seem to have filled out their biographical information forms en masse).

I'm only going to let two of them past my magnetic wand, but I can't say that I really have anything against the bulk of these Bobcatters in particular. It's just that I am sick and tired of frozen smiles, super-positivity, and Daddy Figures projected into the sky. You may counter: "Which is to say Champagne, you are sick and tired of Existence." No, no, I promise you, despite my nom de plume, I have not yet turned French. This nausea is an occupational hazard: you too would eventually acquire it if your job was to pore over the online profile pages of professional cheerleaders and rank them according to how strongly you wish to hold them, cling to them, and beg them to allay your Terror of Nothingness for a few, precious moments – an evening, perhaps a weekend...even, a Life! It is difficult for me to remain emotionally steadfast in the face of so many images of half-naked women; after having sifted through so much printed-out evidence of my alienation from Cheerleading Culture.

But there are two Bobcat Dancers I strongly admire. Surely they would discourage my attentions, but nevertheless I feel compelled to allow them entry into the country that is My Heart.

The first is Courtney, whose own occupation is Criminal Background Screener. One of her Long Term Goals is "To eventually hold a political office in Charlotte," and she says the Best Advice she has received is "'Never Quit.' My Dad always told me, 'Remember you are not a quitter'." Courtney is On Guard and On the Move, and yet she looks to me like the embodiment of Repose. As if, with Courtney, I would find peace everlasting. She is an absolutely lovely woman (see picture above). The kind of beauty that causes me to lie to myself, shamelessly, and believe in lies.

The other one is RaShawn. She doesn't simply name-check Big Daddy, she quotes His redacters. In her Best Advice You Have Received entry, she gives you the book, chapter, and verse so you can fact-check her with the Bible that you keep on your bedstand. The line is "Do all things without murmurings and disputings," from Philippians 2:14 (RaShawn adds, "Why complain; no one is really listening" – solid advice for sports fans everywhere). And I did fact-check RaShawn with the Bible (King James version, naturally) that I keep on my bedstand. The line is where she says it is. And here is the second half of it: "That ye may be blameless and harmless, the sons of God, without rebuke, in the midst of a crooked and perverse nation, among whom ye shine as lights in the world."
- Champagne