Punk Joe performing the flip-off tip-off
All-Punk Weekend
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• All-Youth
vs. Experience
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'dos
All Punk Weekend - February 9 - 10,
2002
Joe Netsfan's
Second Annual
All-Punk
Weekend
All-Punk Weekend wraps up with our showcase
event.
All-Punk
What is NBA Punk-itude? Well, it includes
that somewhat irrational "heat of battle" behavior that makes
a player take a swing at another player's head. But there's so much more
to being a Punk in the NBA than dispensing hard fouls and accumulating
high flagrant point totals – and it's not just simple immaturity
either. Being a Punk today means never having to say you're sorry, never
worrying about measly $5,000 and $10,000 fines, and worst of all, not
giving a goddamn about what all this may look like to the fans, the management,
and even your teammates. Without further ado we give you the 2001 - 2002
All-Punk rosters.
All-Punk
Eastern Conference
Owner - George
Shinn - Charlotte Hornets owner Shinn simply can't handle treating
his fans with respect. After years of making bad trades in the name of
payroll, he's busied himself trying to move to New Orleans. Where he'll
pack the team with guys who'll play for beads? Why doesn't he move them
to Pittsburgh and only hire players who are Pisces? When the Hornets do
get to The Big Easy, we'll be very curious to see how the team performs
during homestands in February, when we understand that a city-wide bacchanal
occurs. The police reports on the AP wires alone are going to make the
move worth it all.
Coach - George Karl - George Karl thinks
outside the box. Way out. He routinely breaks the cardinal rule that most
coaches commonly institute for their players: don't take your shit to
the media. "I need to be fired or somebody has to get traded"
was his latest carp, which resulted in nothing but bafflement and dismay
from his three biggest stars, Robinson, Cassell, and Allen. Yes, sometimes
punks dress like English professors at a community college...just look
at ex-Sex Pistol manager Malcolm McClaren. Both Karl and McClaren have
proven themselves supremely adept at causing dissatisfaction among the
talent in their charge. Payton, Rotten; Cassell, Sid Vicious...
Assistant Coach - Byron Scott - Having a
little punk in you isn't all bad, fans. Coach Scott told Karl Malone he
had "no heart" and was willing to trade blows with him to back
up his opinion. Coach Scott also said that ex-Net Stephen Jackson wouldn't
even get off the bench this season if he was still on the team. Says what
he thinks, feelings be damned. We like his fierceness, and how he relates
to his players: he's not a molly-coddler (Casey) and yet he's not a screamer
(Calipari). We think Scott is just punk-perfect.
Guard - Mike Miller - We here at Joe Netsfan
really hate the "What Me Worry?" grin Miller flashes as he's
kicking up dust clouds while whipping past Keith and Kerry, or knocking
down three-pointer after three-pointer in their sweaty faces. To us, it
looks like a smug grin signalling self-love and total disgust for the
defensive chops of his opponents. That he can back up the attitude makes
us furious. Mike Miller brings out the stamping angry child in all of
us.
Guard - Reggie Miller - If you grew up
in the suburbs, among trees and green lawns, then you've probably met
a guy like Reggie Miller. Miller is that bitchy kid in your neighborhood
who walked 10 feet into your yard to taunt you, claiming that that was
the part the government owned and that we couldn't kick him off it. Where
do these punks come up with this kind of crap? Indulged by NBA referees
like that kid was by his parents.
Forward - Charles Oakley - Charles Oakley
is a car-wash entrepeneur, and strangely enough his entire attitude towards
the NBA can be summed up by two lines in the movie Car
Wash spoken by a character named Abdullah: "Everyday I have
to come here and watch this clown show. Man, sometimes I just can't take
it." Like Abdullah, Oakley cannot hide his disgust with the shucking
and jiving of fellow players, media and management (these days it's Jerry
Krause getting on Oakley's last nerve) going on around him. Famously has
feuded with other ballers over dice debts and women. Notoriously merciless
with his elbows in the paint. Hilariously over-dresses after games. An
angry man alone, beset by fools.
Forward - Michael Jordan - Really. Hear
me out on this one: Jordan, the possessor of a massive ego (granted, why
not?) is a major trash talker. As GM he almost never actually set foot
in Washington. Deems to tell coach Doug Collins how to run the show. Rumored
to be a heavy gambler and other things I won't bring up. Look, I'm not
making value judgments on his life. Champagne may disagree, but he fits
Joe's bill as a bit of a punk, that's all I'm saying.
Center - Brad Miller - A formerly anonymous
center who is having a banner year, at least in Punk terms. Threw a chair
and got fined and suspended. Then decided to join Charles Oakley in harrassing
Shaq, who swung back as Miller tried to flee his wrath. Luckily for Miller,
O'Neal didn't connect. Acting out without thinking, and then scurrying
to safety to avoid the consequences: the hallmarks of a true Punk. Welcome,
Brad.
Eastern Punk
Subs
Derrick Coleman
- Mellowed, but still doing all the little things that make a
Punk. The kind of guy who pressured weedy smart kids to take his tests
for him in class. If Coleman could find somebody to go to practice for
him in his place, so he could stay home and eat pork chops, he would.
Kenyon Martin - Yeah, he's got some Punk
in him. The Malone incident didn't sway us – we all assume Malone
had it coming – but the elbow chop against Tracy McGrady was another
thing. Seems to have contained his murderous intentions for the good of
the team, but the punk straws that have broken Joe's back are these: taking
unneccessary late game three-point shots during complete blow-outs. The
folks around the NBA are going to remember those, Martin. It kind of humiliates
them to watch a dunk-specialist like you spot up behind the arc.
Jalen Rose - Sees the writing on the wall,
and it spells "J-A-M-A-A-L T-I-N-S-L-E-Y" and the names of other
young guns on the Pacers' roster. Not accepting bench time without bitching
about it, raising the ire of Coach Thomas. Team, schmeam, says Rose, earning
his first trip to All-Punk Weekend.
Jason Terry - Graduates to full-fledged punk
status for his show-boating one-man-against-the-league game. We didn't
say punks weren't very exciting to watch play.
Antoine Walker - Don't hold your breath for
a pass from him. Antoine sees the floor like a blinkered horse, driving
Celtics colorman Bob Cousy to fits. Refuses to be the number two guy on
a two-man team. As selfish as he wants to be.
All-Punk
Western Conference
Owner - Mark Cuban
- The Richie Rich of the NBA, if Richie Rich wasn't a benevolent
non-entity, but a dot-com billionaire with a Beatles shag-haircut who
demanded to travel everywhere with his team. Sitting behind the Mavericks'
bench in a too-tight t-shirt, cheering them on, he looks like a chunky
little mama's boy in a playbox surrounded by all his expensive toys. Refuses
to accept the human fallability of referees, and will pay any fine imaginable
to complain about them. Cuban probably has a blueprint for a Referee Robot
that he's dying to show David Stern (and that he hired some put-upon engineer
to design). You can imagine Cuban drawing up a "dream house"
on notebook paper, complete with firemen poles and a cave to keep all
his jet cars in. Embarrassing owner, but he wants his fans to have a good
time: it's just good business.
Coach - Dan Issel - Caught up in a shouting
match with a Nuggets fan, Issel used profanity and an ethnic slur against
latinos, which ultimately cost him his job. Did that thin mountain air
make a few brain bubbles burst in Mr. Issel's head? Or was it dealing
with "trade me!" punks like Nick Van Exel?
Assistant Coach - Mo Cheeks - He's not a
Punk, but he coaches a bunch of them on TV. To deal with the All-Punks
you should have a very high exasperation level. Coaching the Portland
Trailblazers has got to give you one, if you don't have one already.
Guard - Nick Van Exel - With Antonio McDyess
out-injured, Van Exel has expended more energy trying to get traded to
a contender than he's used to try and help the Nuggets become one itself.
Nothing makes a guy like Nick happy: in Denver he has all the playing
time and shot opportunities he could ever need, but he would still love
to be parachuted down into a championship team, where he would most likely
sit on the bench behind an established starter. And bitch. A true nightmare:
GM's searching for "chemistry" need to treat him like a pariah.
Guard - Stephon Marbury - Doesn't the predicament
of a "family values" asshole like Jerry Colangelo, and all those
gated-community conservatives in Arizona, crack you up? It's always funny
when their rigid value-system backfires on them. Last year the Phoenix
Suns' point guard Jason Kidd punches his wife. Jason buys into counseling
and recovery so completely that he takes games off to be with his family.
At his return, Kidd apologized to Suns fans, then continued trying to
publically atone for his actions and see his therapist, long after the
courts demanded, and a more cynical man might think was necessary. Kidd
never blamed anybody else for what he did. Colangelo then trades him away
for the locker room poison of Stephon "All Alone" Marbury, who
performs on cue: Marbury, who wasn't invited to the All-Star games in
Philly (Kidd was), gets arrested and charged with an "extreme D.U.I."
in Scottsdale, AZ right before the weekend was about to begin. If convicted,
he could spend 30 days in jail. Bye-bye Phoenix season.
Forward - Karl Malone - Holds a Punk union
card. A fixer in the lane, not too proud to cheat underneath and jaw at
everyone while doing it. Likes killing defenseless endangered species
with handguns on his off days, and physically intimidates all those smaller
and more timid around him. But what's he ever won? Huh, Punk? We'd like
to see him unarmed in a cage match with an alligator, a puma, and a pronghorn
antelope trained to go for the balls.
Forward - Rasheed Wallace - A living legend.
King Punk, for all intents and purposes. Rasheed was supposed to tone
down the antics that draw all of those technical fouls and ejections,
but hasn't quite gotten to that quiet place in his mind yet. Isn't there
a meadow you can visualize or something Wallace? We know that there are
pills that you can take.
Center - Shaquille O'Neal - Threatens retirement
to become a police officer regularly. Second year in a row he's punked-out
of the All-Star game. This year it's an arthritic toe, last year it was
an inflamed arch. He's pretty old to be a guy who acts-out in order to
feel needed. Believe us, everybody in the universe understands how important
you are, Shaq. There isn't a center who can compete against you. We swear,
Kobe can't do it alone. In the past, we could never understand why little
kids loved Shaq's schtick, but now we think we get it.
Western Punk
Subs
Lamar Odom
- Might be the best young up-and-coming Punk in the game. Wasting his
serious talent: Odom is a pot-smoker who's been suspended twice for failing
drug tests. The Clippers don't need any more red-eyed underachievers,
"Dazey."
Bonzi Wells - Put down Portland fans in a
Sports Illlustrated
article this year. Appropriately, fans have been treating him to some
choice jeers. We've heard repentant noises in return, which might get
him dropped from the squad next year.
Penny Hardaway - Gun charges, chick-slapping,
player-feuding (a patched-up beef with Marbury, naturally) and all-around
attitudin': Nike's Little Penny puppet acted more responsibly. Trying
to work his way off this roster, but we can't let him go yet: was so openly
dismissive of the idea of playing for Jersey (back in the Calipari era)
that we may never let him off it. We're very sensitive here at Joe Netsfan.com.
Stephen Jackson - When punk aggression and
attitude fails, it fails badly. Mouthed off and tried to show up his former
team, the Nets, by throwing up utterly way-off, utterly misguided shots
in the Nets' two games (both Nets victories) against the Spurs. We dubbed
him "Crazy Train" when he played for New Jersey, and we must
say, it's quite an apt nickname. Jackson is off the rails; for every good
play he makes, he'll commit at least one atrocious turnover.
Mitch Richmond - Obscene gesture earlier
in the season forces our hand, and bumps aging nasty guys Gary Payton,
Tim Hardaway, and Danny Ferry off of our list (their edges have been dulled
anyway). Mitch Richmond is a phone call away from being an ex-NBAer. The
frustrations attending the collapse of his once-promising career is turning
Richmond punky.
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