A Near-Jerk-Off Experience on Lake Erie

Hey, it's the Holidays: go ahead and treat yourself to a near-jerk-off experience on Lake Erie. The Cleveland Cavalier Girls don't have a proper webpage yet, but they do have a "Behind the Scenes" video of the Cavalier Girls Swimsuit Calendar Shoot (requires a Windows Media Player). After you're finished nearly jerking off (Cavalier Girls thrust their rumps out perpendicularly from their upper bodies on yachts in a Lake Erie harbor, yabble at you over screen titles like "Cavalier Girl Veteran"; enthusements by the art director, their choreographer and the photographer are interspersed, and it's all kicked off by the mildly creepy, I'll-take-any-gig-you-got play-by-play voice of WUAB TV43 Cavaliers Television Network, Michael Reghi) you can go can buy the calendar itself if you so desire.

And lastly I'd like you to look at a larger photo of these sad Cleveland schlub-a-rinos hovering over a table-load of bored photo-autographing Cav Gals. Because you just nearly jerked off to a Cav Gals Behind the Scenes Swimsuit Calendar Shoot video, and these guys are You.
- Champagne

Profiles in Discouragement: The Charlotte Bobcats Dance Team

She loves her cheesecake (Jesi prefers it from The Cheesecake Factory), she likes to run (as a "hobby," of all things, as well as for fitness), and she busily projects Daddy Figures into the sky (that impell her towards her earthly goals by witholding affection on a Cosmological scale): she, my friends, is the stereotypical member of the Charlotte Bobcats Dance Team (who seem to have filled out their biographical information forms en masse).

I'm only going to let two of them past my magnetic wand, but I can't say that I really have anything against the bulk of these Bobcatters in particular. It's just that I am sick and tired of frozen smiles, super-positivity, and Daddy Figures projected into the sky. You may counter: "Which is to say Champagne, you are sick and tired of Existence." No, no, I promise you, despite my nom de plume, I have not yet turned French. This nausea is an occupational hazard: you too would eventually acquire it if your job was to pore over the online profile pages of professional cheerleaders and rank them according to how strongly you wish to hold them, cling to them, and beg them to allay your Terror of Nothingness for a few, precious moments – an evening, perhaps a weekend...even, a Life! It is difficult for me to remain emotionally steadfast in the face of so many images of half-naked women; after having sifted through so much printed-out evidence of my alienation from Cheerleading Culture.

But there are two Bobcat Dancers I strongly admire. Surely they would discourage my attentions, but nevertheless I feel compelled to allow them entry into the country that is My Heart.

The first is Courtney, whose own occupation is Criminal Background Screener. One of her Long Term Goals is "To eventually hold a political office in Charlotte," and she says the Best Advice she has received is "'Never Quit.' My Dad always told me, 'Remember you are not a quitter'." Courtney is On Guard and On the Move, and yet she looks to me like the embodiment of Repose. As if, with Courtney, I would find peace everlasting. She is an absolutely lovely woman (see picture above). The kind of beauty that causes me to lie to myself, shamelessly, and believe in lies.

The other one is RaShawn. She doesn't simply name-check Big Daddy, she quotes His redacters. In her Best Advice You Have Received entry, she gives you the book, chapter, and verse so you can fact-check her with the Bible that you keep on your bedstand. The line is "Do all things without murmurings and disputings," from Philippians 2:14 (RaShawn adds, "Why complain; no one is really listening" – solid advice for sports fans everywhere). And I did fact-check RaShawn with the Bible (King James version, naturally) that I keep on my bedstand. The line is where she says it is. And here is the second half of it: "That ye may be blameless and harmless, the sons of God, without rebuke, in the midst of a crooked and perverse nation, among whom ye shine as lights in the world."
- Champagne

Dinner With God and the Denver Nuggets Dancers

"God": he's always Mr. Popularity. The moody protagonist of three major books of religion is the most invited Guest to Denver Nugget Dancer Fantasy Dinner Parties (picked six times). The next most-popular entity was George Bush (3 nods). So, what if the DNDs pooled their illusions and threw one big bash, come one come all? Would the room look like that Boulevard of Broken Dreams poster that takes off on Edward Hopper's Nighthawks, you know, the one with Marilyn Monroe, Elvis Presley, Humphrey Bogart and James Dean in it? A little...but with some twists. Here's the combined guest list: 1) God and his plus-one, Jesus 2) George Bush (Father or Son? Pick 'em) 3) Princess Diana 4) Marilyn Monroe (it's too bad nobody invited Elton John, in the hopes he'd spark a cat-fight over the "Candle In The Wind" dedication) 5) The secular King of Kings, Elvis Presley 6) Everybody's grandfathers and family members 7) Everybody's asswipe Colin Farrell 8) Tony Hawk 9) Sinking-of-the-Titanic survivor Molly Brown (there is a museum dedicated to her in Denver) 10) Dancin' Scientologist John Travolta 11) Rockin' humanitarian Momma Theresa 12) Fightin' 'em on the beaches Winston Churchill 13) Ray of Blight Madonna 14) The secular god of Middle Class American Women, Oprah 15) Classy Will Ferrell 16) Rebounding Machine Jennifer Anniston 17) God-to-Cheerleaders Janet f'in' Jackson 18) Jessica f'in' Simpson 19) Marine Lance Cpl. Gregory P. Rund of Littleton, CO, who died last year in Iraq 20) and yes, Ellen DeGeneres.

But which Nugget Dancers are coming 'round to Champy's afterwards, for dessert?

1) Vision-of-heaven Kristin Engler (pictured above) please R.S.V.P. Champagne. I got profiterole for ya.

2) Lea Gambino likes "anything that smells like coconut" in the way of perfume, so Champy will rub himself down with snack-size Mounds. Lovin' Lea Gambino ain't racketeering.

3) Erin Giebler, I'm a walking contradiction – and you like Contradiction by Calvin Klein. Kismet!

4) Lindsey Kovacevich says, "Reach for the moon" because "even if you miss it you'll land among the Stars." Is "stars" some new urban youth slang for an erogenous zone I haven't heard about? Kovacevich, you kinky thing you! Be with me.

5) If things go well, you'll be scrap-booking the hell out of this evening, scrap book hobbyist Kimberly Bull.

6) Beth Eckles, are you also writing your Favorite Quotes in code? You say, "The grass isn’t always greener on the other side, it all depends where you water it," huh? Please, please, don't pee on me! (Note: in Champagne Code "don't" means "do"!)

7) Deadhead Michelle Metz, please don't quote Jerry Garcia at the table! (in this case, "don't" means "don't"!)

8) Every other Nugget Dancer used their full given names (alarmingly!... naively?), but you had to be different and go and use your porn handle, didn't you, Amber Manes?

9) Shalisa Pouw, mekka-lekka-hi-mekka-heinie-ho!

10) Diana Schoengarth lives by the words of Steve Prefontaine: "To give less than your best is to sacrifice the gift," which is a much classier line than a shouted "You better work, bitch!!"

11) Allison Burket, your favorite quote made my brain hurt: "Whether you think you can or think you can't, you're probably right." – Henry Ford. Uh. Coffee, anybody?

12) Stefanie Buttars picked the guy who died in Iraq for her fantasy dinner party guest. I salute you, Stefanie, that was nice – and a good, relevant pick. Things would really get uncomfortable, i.e. interesting.

13) Stephanie Rodriquez picked a quote by famed tap dancer James "Buster" Brown as her fave: "That was right...but do it again." But I like this one by him better: "Funky? that's when you look like it smells bad." Pretty much Champagne's state of being after an all-night blog sesh.

14) Terita Johnson, Nicole Moore and Lindsey Dudley, I swear, I sent you invites!

Staying After All The Other Guests Leave: Director/Choreographer Sarah E. Schachterle. Goddamn. That's when the real party gets started!
- Champagne

Strange Parade: A Look-See at the Laker Girls

Casual followers of NBA cheerleading might presume that the Laker Girls would be very hot babes. And they would be very wrong. Why – oh, why? Well, if you think about it for a moment, you'll realize that Los Angeles has too many entertainment superhighways, siphoning talent traffic off in all directions, and that dancing for the Lakers may be the equivalent of being lost down a sad show biz cul-de-sac. It sure looks like a dead-end. Which is a pity; there are young women in L.A. with absolutely no skills at all, like Kristin and LC from MTV's Laguna Beach, who have far better careers going than all of the Laker Girls, who can presumably dance, combined. But of course, the spoiled Laguna Beachers are superior specimens of beauty – as are most women working in porn these days, believe it or not. Unnattractiveness does not draw entertainment "heat"; heck, even their own employers seem hugely disinterested in them. The Laker Girls bios are cursory, certainly, but their group shot is more telling: in a town whose industry is images, you get this, a shot that an alcoholic Sears baby photographer could best. Because most drunken baby photographers wouldn't station themselves an 1/8th of a mile away from their subjects, no matter how hideous, for one. For two, a soused Sears photographer still has a way with a prop and a costume. What's that orange dot back there, a basketball? Man. Simply pathetic.

1) Carissa is my number one, only because I had to start somewhere, with somebody.

2) Tiffany F.

3) Danielle

4) Shelby

5) Shea

6) Katherine lists "Baking" as one of her Hobbies/Interests. So we gather, Kathy. You're really pushing those cupcakes!

7) Kristin

8) Jahnel – sister of Kal-El? – majored in Dance and minored in Philosophy!

9) Nancy

10) Crystal is a full time massage therapist.

11) Lindsey

12) Jenna

13) Alison

14) Lynisha

15) Brittany

16) Becky

17) Angela needs to get her hair in line. Hey, wow, she's sitting on a folding chair. What a lucky little lady in the City of Lights.

18) Tiffany D.

19) Jessica
- Champagne

Blues For A Red State: My Suns Dancer-Induced Soreness

You know what irritates Champagne – besides being prevented from lolling in this pile of Phoenix Suns Dancers for the rest of his days? When liberals joke that if only uptight Republicans got laid more often, they'd be relaxed Democrats – because it's obvious that Daily Show liberals actually believe this condescending, self-congratulatory – and factually innaccurate! – nonsense. They're full of this guff. I mean, from the 2004 elections on, haven't they been clucking that Fox News-watching conservatives poignantly "vote against their interests"? (There's at least one issue that blind partisans on either side of the political fence can agree on: Fake News that panders to their prejudices is awesome!). "If the repressed and the dumb had more sex and education, they'd be whip-smart hump beasts, like us." Sure. And way to run a recruiting effort!

Well, these insulated a-holes have not only alienated a country, wrecking Champy's Party of Choice, they have obviously never been fellated by a right-leaning woman (I'm the kind of liberal that believes in exploiting Republicans for sex – that's not just in their interest, everybody's a winner!). Repressed? Sure, Republicans are obsessed with morality – because they don't have to imagine what their daughters would do on camera for $40 – anything! – they've seen it on the internet. Where do you think the Girls Gone Wild RVs are idling right now? In Berkeley, where all the swinging, tittie-flashing liberals gather? No, they're criss-crossing the Red State Nation furiously (while liberals huddle in the few remaing Blue Bastions of Sophistication, like Wisconsin), feasting at their spring break watering holes. Okay, I admit it: Republicans – they're...they're animals!

Which brings us back to Arizona, a state full of gated communities barring my way. Outside of which, drooling sensualists like Champy like to linger, with a video-rights waiver clenched in his fist. Excluded, but still able to demean: here are my Suns Dancers picks.

1) Speaking of recruiting, the Fox Networks would do well to send some scouts to a Suns game: depressingly, my top Suns Dancer picks are all blondes (depressing, because my penis loves diversity, but hot is hot). Also, Barbie Dolls generally hold more complex, less clichéd opinions, and have more varied interests than not only these Blonde Ditto-heads, but the rest of the Suns dance troupe listed. For instance, Janice's Favorite Pastime is Shopping, and the person she admire's most in life (um, that'd be "in death," now, Janice) is Princess Diana. God bless Janice, for she has travelled overseas with Armed Forces Entertainment to visit our troops (that doesn't necessarily make her a right-winger, of course, but again, it's depressing that it's harder to imagine that she isn't – Republicans have co-opted Troop Supporting). In her most unusual entry, Janice delights and surprises me by using "class" as an adjective, for a thing I never would have imagined could be described as such: a fish. "I have a class pet named Nemo." So what does Nemo do, wear a top-hat?

2) Abby – oh god, she's incredible. Her nickname is "Abs," and she looks like a trashier Faith Hill – which is so up Champy's alley, he can't even begin to tell you. She's god fearin'. Her Favorite Quote is in Bible-speak (this is the way Metallica lyrics are phrased): "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways, acknowledge Him and He will direst [sic; I'm assuming this should be "direct"] your path." Jesus: "Lean Not On Your Own Understanding"? She writes her own blonde jokes (and this is a line James Hetfield lives by). One of her three goals in life is to "have a great marriage," the other two are avoiding me. Looking at Abby too long makes me hurt.

3) Serene is happily married, thank you. Her Proudest Accomplishment To Date is "Marrying the love of my life and dancing for the Phoenix Suns" (which are two, separate "accomplishments") and one of the Three Goals she has for her life is "a blissful marriage." Why wouldn't it be? Just drink her in...plus, her name means "peace"! Her nickname (ironically, the way you'd call a bald guy "Curly"?) is "Bean," and she goes 'round in circles, like the ditzy blondes of mythos...the Saying she Lives Her Life By is "Leaders are scarce, so I'm following myself."

4) Hot stuff Amy Jo is nicknamed "Jiggie." What else do you want to know? Well, her favorite quote is by Canadian author and educator Claude T. Bissell: "Risk more than others think is safe. Care more than others think is wise. Dream more than others think is practical. Expect more than others think is possible." There's another "inspirational" quote by Bissell that exposes his view of a certain branch of the humanities as staffed by a bunch of out-of-it, do-nothing thumb-suckers (you know, Liberals!): "The Social Sciences are good at accounting for disasters once they have taken place." Guys like Bissell, and cheerleaders like Amy Jo, don't think, they do! To all of our benefit.

5) Kayla loves to "SHOP!" and would love to have dinner with Kelly Ripa. Note to Fox execs: she wants to become a news reporter. Like ex-New York Times reporter Judith Miller, Kayla would have to contend with the problem of Newsmakers Becoming The News, if Kayla ever reported that she gave me a boner, which she does.

6) Brooke is one of several Suns Dancers whose Favorite Quote can be boiled down to, "Blah blah blah blah blah, blah blah blah blah blah," where juggling "blahs" around in the second part of the sentence supplies the chin-stroking "Ah, so!" wisdom. Brooke's is, "Life is not measured by the amount of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breaths away." They're the kind of fortune-cookie banalities that fail to linger in the mind as long as even most daily horoscopes tend to (usually forgotten sooner than you're finished reading them). Brooke is a real estate agent from Tempe who Admires her husband Most In Life, and would love to have dinner with Oprah. Thanks for joining Team America, Brooke – you maverick renegade!

7) Stefanie's Favorite Pastime is "Doing creative things with photos/art." You and what Army of Girls, Stef?!!! And how about this dig: the One Celebrity she'd Like To Have Dinner With is "Britney Spears, so I can figure out what went wrong."

8) Gina is "Unable to reveal to public" her nickname, which makes me think she's already been captured by Girls Gone Wild cameras, and her Favorite Pastime is "Reading celebrity gossip magazines." You and what Army of...Humanity, Gina?!!!

9) Uyen would love to dine (over Buffalo Wings?) with Jessica Simpson.

10) Vanessa's favorite quote could be by Jessica Simpson...or Britney before Federline: "Love like you never have before." It's not that fun when every time you do it, you pretend you're a virgin, Vanessa. I know my girlfriends certainly haven't dug it.

11) Steer clear of Emily if you can, it sounds like she's about to embark on a killing spree...or at the very least, neglect to tell you she has an STD. Here's the "saing" (the Suns Dancer website misspelling of "saying") she lives her life by: "Dream as if you'll live forever, live as if you'll die today."

12) Danielle's Favorite Music Styles are punk, emo, and rap; a three-way combo that has resulted in the most fantastic music mankind has ever produced, as everybody can agree on.

13) Melissa's Favorite Quote is by Notorious Drunken Slut Tallulah Bankhead: "I prefer to be profoundly wrong than weakly right." Which could go quite nicely on the masthead of many a neocon publication – or the Presidential seal.

14) Taryn would like to have dinner with Usher, who might as well be the Demon Prince of Dumb – guy claims to spend 8 hours a day in a gym, which aren't usually stocked with books. But who wouldn't want to have dinner with a guy who's Big Dance Move is tilting a hat forward on his head like Roy Scheider in All That Jazz?

15) Ryan quotes Cartman: "I do what I want" is her Saying she Lives By. Unfortunately, I find her about as sexy as a South Park character (excluding "Slave"!)
- Champagne

Ladies In Waiting On Champagne: The Sacramento Kings Dance Team

Sacramento would probably be the Stepsister City of wherever the Nets played in New Jersey, if the Nets played in an actual city. Like, say, XANADU – rather than what is essentially an industrial park made up entirely of gigantic sports complexes, set in a marshland off Rt. 3. I've never been to Sacramento, but I understand it gets put down by everybody else in California, slandered as a "Cow Town" the way "Cesspool" is national verbal short-hand for Jersey. In contests of skill, we both have a holy dread of the Lakers, who've thwarted us with Kobe and Shaq in seasons of yore. At least our Cinderellas have been to the Ball, even if the Prince got tied up trying to get out of our congested parking lots and failed to shoe us with glory.

But Champagne, whose entire existence is predicated on giving maids a reason to celebrate, has found the Kings Dancers, alright – decked out as they are in wife-beaters and torn jeans, grinning in his direction while four of their members suffocate what could be a sheep dog, a Tribble, or something Sid & Marty Krofft aborted (you tell me). Well, no bother: prepare to feed on honey-dew, be-otches, and drink the milk of paradise!

1) Jeannie lists New Jersey as her "hometown." Now, we know that can't be, but we also all know what she means, okay, and anyway, I would forgive her nearly anything. I should be embarrassed to admit this, but we don't merely share Favorite Foods (Italian, Sushi and – it's uncanny! – gummy Swedish fish), we share Philosophies. No, I'm not talking about "What doesn't kill you does make you stronger," the Nietzsche paraphrase she tries to remember in times of turmoil (hey, how about "What doesn't kill you makes you demoralized and depressed"?). I'm talking about the deeper Nietzschean thoughts expressed in her entry under the heading Most Significant Moment Or Event In Your Life: "I don't think there's just one significant moment in life. I believe that every moment has importance, one way or another. Otherwise, my life may have taken a different path and I wouldn't be where I am now. The way I see it; as long as you take something from every experience, whether it is a happy or sad one, it's a step forward in life, and therefore significant."

She questioned the premise, then established her sanity – oh my. And then there's this, in a paragraph describing her Creative, Spiritual Or Emotional Turn-Ons: "I like to feel supported, but independent at the same time."

You like support? I ape listening like nobody's business. You like independence? How about glacial emotional distance from your concerns, will that cover it? Champagne has been providing such services for unappreciative ladies for several decades now. Jeannie, I'm your man.

2) No Stately Pleasure-Dome should be decreed without a Five-Pak Pussy Posse of Lick-A-Licious Blondes, and when Jeannie slipped out of the SPD, forsooth, Champy shalleth play. With 2a) Becca (seen here, miming the act of eating a Tribble), who is Most Proud Of "overcom[ing] the cliché of being in a needy generation" [!], and who after dance is done with, "would like to see myself in the real estate industry, however I would love to remain in the entertainment business." You're in luck, Becca: real estate IS entertainment. Then there is 2b) Carly, who sees herself in 10 years "as a successful working woman who is filthy rich!!!!!" Charming! Candle aficionado 2c) Kristin will light the SPD for us, crafting the perfect atmosphere for pawing at her; through 2d) Krystal I've learned that the "field of esthetics" is the new euphemism for "the make-up arts," so she'll keep m'ladies in the lipstick color I like (Suppurating Strawberry), and lastly, 2e) Jamie will praise the heavens that she gets to witness Champagne clamber all over her Dome-mates, since her Turn-on is "To watch people who are doing what they love."

7) Sara has the Kings logo tattooed on a fetching hip! We'd have to do it in the dark, then.

8) I'd pamper Cicely with the bubble baths she needs, frothed up with the rarest of imported oils.

9) Summer, you used an emoticon in a bio entry. Did ye not know that emoticons are expressly forbidden in XANADU? Transgressor! How will ye make it up to thy master?

10) Rachel's mouthing prop Mardi Gras beads in her bio photo. Why did I exile her to #10? What am I, out of my mind?

11) Cami's trying to look sexy with a prop men's tie. What? You got probably got shafted by the Kings' prop person when you had your photo taken last ("Sorry, Becca ate all the cotton candy"), but that's just tough, Cami. I call 'em as I see 'em.

12) Candace looks remarkably like Angie Everhart, and now, as of this blog posting, is more famous.

13) Camille's Favorite Holiday is St. Patrick's Day, which is Champagne's least (he's 1/4 self-loathing Irish).

14) Jennifer's favorite "drama" is Moulin Rouge; Champagne is betting that only the upcoming Rent will be the more unwatchable filmed atrocity.

15) Heidi, forgive me if those dirigibles you are smuggling are real. But I just think, they can't be. There's no way. Frankentitties are always banished from Champagne's Empire of Dirt.
- Champagne

Golden Slumbers: My Sleep-Over With the Warrior Girls

At last, we're heading west. Bad news for the Nets; great news for me. The west coast has the girls that really knock ol' Champy out. I'm 39, and will need my rest if I'm gonna take on the young lovelies in three California cities, as well as sun-soaked Phoenix and out-doorsy Denver...so I'm packing my union suit and throwing a Slumber Party in Oakland to kick the trip off Old School. Due to the paucity of biographical information on the Warrior Girls – just name, rank, and hometown – the arrangement of Warrior Girls around my Sly the Silver Fox sleeping bag must by neccessity be based on looks alone. But I'm certain we will get to know each other between munches of caramel popcorn, during and after a showing of The Notebook on the enormously wide, plasma screen, high-definition television set I'm going to buy for Jennifer's apartment (see picture). "Warrior Gals, come out and play!"

1) Jennifer (see picture) can snuggle closest. She had me at...well, she has me. In the best of all possible real lives (assuming you weren't famous), Jennifer would be your girlfriend's best friend, and you would be going mental, trying to constrain yourself from openly commiserating with her about her guy troubles, and whatnot. Leaning too close. Laughing too hard at everything she said; in general, trying not to introduce an awkward moment into every exchange you ever had with her. I just know I would forget I was taken, and wind up drinking in her eyes over a shared quesadilla in the VIP lounge at the Arena in Oakland. Pretty soon she'd stop coming around to visit the Happy Couple. Why Jennifer, why? You're tearing me apart!

2) Shayna: You lie to my right. I'm totally hot for Mandy Moore, which is who Shayna looks like. So there you go.

3) Audrey. Don't go far. Let's stay up and talk.

4) Tiffany. You crash on the couch right near me.

5) Shab. After too many Diet Cokes, I would get giddy and crack a "You're not too Shab-y" gag, and you would hate me, but stay, please, I got silly. Don't call your mom. Put down the phone. Please. Come on. Shab. Shab!

6) Geri. Let's drive to Alameda with the top down. I want to see where you grew up. I want to know everything about you.

7) Jasmin. We'd go in the bathroom and talk about make-up and I'd try to gently get her to tone hers down a little, but she would feel slighted, and hurt; she'd drag her air mattress into an upstairs bedroom. I'd protest to the other women that I was just trying to help, and I was, but I'm an oaf with no "sink-side manner." I'd talk her back to the party, because she looks like fun and I didn't mean anything by it, and she knows that.

8) Nichole. I vote Nichole Second Most Likely to Shout A Gape-Mouthed "Shut UP!" At Anything Anybody Said That Was Remotely Out-of-the-Ordinary.

9) Grey. I vote Grey The Most Likely to to Shout A Gape-Mouthed "Shut UP!" At Anything Anybody Said That Was Remotely Out-of-the-Ordinary. Contrary to her name, I'm imagining she's very colorful.

10) Jen. Jen's a party. No doubt about it. I just want her in the same room I'm in. You get a feeling anything could happen.

11) Maria. The ladies are starting to spill out into the kitchen here.

12) Sara. She's from Diamond Bar, CA, so I would ask her about Keith Van Horn. Isn't he from there? We'd dish about the Van Horns, if – hopefully – she attended the same High School as Sideshow.

13) Sanae. She's the only woman in attendance not from California. She's from Kyoto, Japan, and I would fumble some sort of conversation about Japan with her, most of my lines starting with, "I've never been there, but I've heard..." You know, tell her about her own country, in Classic Manly Fashion. Her eyes would glaze over and she'd probably go home early.

14) Shania. I'm just running out of floor-space; no real reason why she's gotta be stuck on an outer circle. Yearning to be near me.

15) Jennifer "II". Not to be confused with the doll pictured (my #1) and again, not that I find her in any way off-putting. How could I? I am a disgusting human being.

16) Nicole. I'm not even sure I can see Nicole from my section of the shag. She's in like, Parking Lot Q.

17) Shannon. Okay, we're starting to tumble out into the garage at this point. Bundle up, numbers 17 through 21.

18) Alyson. I'm not digging the hair extensions. I'd try to introduce the topic "Alyson's so fake" into the discussion when Alyson went to the bathroom, but the Warrior Girls would shoot me down, and rightly so. They know her, I don't, and I can be a dick.

19) Angelica. Ironic that, slumber-party-sleeping-arrangement-wise, Angelica is about as far away from me as Pluto is from the sun, her orbit out on one of the furthest rings of Hell. Heaven – my fart sack – so far away from fallen Angelica.

20) Kristina. You can drive to Alameda, your hometown too, without me, can't you? I just can't make it. I don't have a reason, okay?

21) Robin. It actually doesn't much matter where I put anybody after my #1 (my sweet, sweet Jennifer – see picture), so don't feel bad, Robin. Even though you'd need to take a trolley to break Doritos with my Inner Circle. Not that we'd let you do so.
- Champagne

Don't Go In The Pacemate Mansion

If invited to a party at the Pacemate Mansion, I would not attend. Even if I lived there. I'd leave the baby oil in the bathroom cabinet, put the cap on my Pepsi bottle, hang the smoking jacket in my cedar closet, and spend an emotionally dissatisfying evening alone on my circular bed, proof-reading Party Jokes. I'm so dismayed by the low quality of the Pacemates that I can't even muster up the semi-ironic sexism to rank them: none of them make my cut. Even their bios are off-putting – when they aren't just plain-jane. The few "Pacemate Profile" entries of note:

Pacemates Who'd Exhibit The Most Annoying Playmate-Like Behavior: Nicole, who claims the One Thing Most People Don't Know About Me is that "Ninety percent of the time I'm out of the house, I have my teacup dog in my purse. He frequents the mall and movie theatre." Same category, Tiffany this time: "I enjoy taking my teacup Yorkie Madison to run errands or go shopping with me in her pink Juicy Couture purse!"

Sideshow Escapees: Darcy, who was born with her feet completely turned in and had to have casts put on to correct them, and Nikki, who was born with 12 fingers.

The Britney Spears Memorial Teenage Cocktease Award: Kirston's Most Embarrassing Moment was "When I was 15, I went to the restroom in church and somehow ended up getting the back of my skirt stuck in my tights and you-know-what was showing!"

Hurray For You: Erin Michelle wants you to know "I can ride a unicycle and I actually own one myself!"

Who Farted?: Twelve-fingered Nikki on her Most Embarrassing Moment: "During speech class my freshman year in college, I was giving a speech on the health care industry and I...well, let's just say for the rest of the semester, my classmates nicknamed me 'Toot-Toot!'"
- Champagne

Getting A Grip On The Softcore Panhandle: My Miami Heat Dancer Rankings

As fashionistas slaver for the Spring Lines, as TV junkies pine for new programming, so, in Autumn, does Champy ache for the latest ensemble of Miami Heat Dancers. The combination of its shallow beach culture (based on tanning in the daytime and shaking out your "Trunk Junk" in the clubs all night), and its geographical luckiness – pouty-lipped trailer park Lolitas meet snake-spined Latina go-getters, often in the same hair-tossing powderkeg – makes Miami a World Class Nexus of Pulchritude. And the Heat take advantage – year after year, according to me, its dance squad is the NBA's ne plus ultra. It doesn't hurt that their Website Poobahs seem to feel reasonably comfortable embracing cheerleading For What It Really Is, which is "softcore pornography." Ladies and gentlemen, I am here to tell you that you could plausibly wack-off to JPGs provided under the auspices of an Association run by Notorious Playa-Hata David Stern. I am here to tell you that Heat Dancer archives go back to the 2001 - 2002 season – you can still find Trista "You May Remember Her As The Bachelorette" Rehn's page. I am telling you, by my wild guestimation, there are between 1,000 and 2,000 unique photos of Heat Dancers to be found on this site, including Heat Dancers in bikinis washing cars and Heat Dancers in bikinis voguing in a darkling Everglades swamp. (The swamp shots have the unfortunate released-to-the-press look of "the last photo we found of her." See for yourself, at left). Their shorts are always shorter – and tighter! – than your squad's, and their white leather knee-high go-go boots are always shinier and more eagerly at the ready to stomp with maximum enthusiasm (if not quite maximum precision) all over your masochistic Nets fan's heart.

Let me just rank my favorites already. In descending order:

1) Not to go "Jimmy the Greek" on you, but just take a look at Katherine's (pictured at top of post) Background/Nationality: German/Lebanese/Irish. My oohs and ahhs aren't over her specific bloodline; heck, reading nearly any three disparate nationalities separated by slashes, in regards to a Playmate, a Penthouse Pet, a Hooters Hostess, or an NBA dancer, hots me right up (two of the nationalities can even be overly familiar, at least to me, as in "German/Irish"). If this effect happens to you, refrain from theorizing in public about the reasons why. Just shut up, keep your college coaching job, and accept it as a wonder of nature. Like the way I'm accepting Katherine.

2) White leather knee-high go-go boots are one of Champy's biggest fetishes, and few "rock" this footwear better than Jennifer. Elvis had his white cotton panties fetish, I'll take these boots – and these shorts! Jennifer is one of three Heat dancers who believe "Everything happens for a reason"; that's 14.3%, a leap of 6 percentage points over the number of Raptors Dance Pakkers who ascribe to Champy's Most Favorite Girl Philosophy In The World. Draw your own conclusions...or again, don't. I'd like to note that somebody came up with a very creepy line item in the Heat Dancer bios: where they were and what they were doing 10 years ago. Since most of these women are barely out of high school, you get submissions like Jen's here, The Creepiest Where I Was 10 Years Ago Entry Of Them All: "Ten years ago I was in elementary school learning my multipication tables."

3) Jamie, of the smoky eyes and the wind-blown tresses, doesn't just have my favorite Biggest Pet Peeve ("Hypocrites & Liars!"), doesn't just end nearly all of her bio entries with at least one exclamation mark ("Playoffs!!!!!!" was her Most Memorable Moment as a Heat Dancer), didn't simply list "The Bible" as the Book I Am Reading Now, but also has the Second Most Literal-Minded Where I Was 10 Years Ago Entry Of Them All: "10 years ago I was nine!"

4) Cassandra is from Texas, whose most well-known export is dyed-blondes with fake boobs. That's "Casie" alright, but I'm betting few are as "grounded" as I'm going to pretend to myself Cassandra is grounded (her ideal job is "marine biologist," she characterizes herself as "friendly," her hobbies include "charity work," her Best Quality is "I love to laugh," she believes in The Golden Rule and she is currently reading The Art of War by Sun Tzu). The depth and the detail of these Heat Dancer bios perfectly services two fantasies at once: 1) that the dancers are celebrities (I Am Endlessly Interesting), and 2) that such attractive women would possibly enjoy your company ("I love to laugh too! Soulmate!!!"); even that they are seductively dropping hints about how you should handle them ("I'd take her out for a fruit smoothie, since she's helpfully entered it as her Favorite Food!"). Casie's made a fool of me to get to #4.

5) Jenni. I just like her, despite (or because of?) the fact that she characterizes herself as "Fired up, and goofy!" Hey, what is with The Notebook? Thanks to these bios – 5 women picked it as their favorite movie – I know to be sure to never see it. Jenni has either the best or the second best entry for Book I Am Reading Now: "I'm not a big reader." (Need proof? Here's Jenni's Dancer Diary).

6) Ashley is a Cuban/Puerto Rican Leo who hates disorganization, so she would hate to see what happens to my synapses when I stare at her tympani-taut belly and her long, lean legs.

7) Nikki is an eighteen-year-old Miami native and the last person willing to admit they're a fan of Jewel. Don't chew with your mouth open around her, it drives her "NUTS!"

8) I can barely tell Brooke from Nikki, as they're both dyed-blondes with sharp noses and striking cheekbones; they're fairly interchangable. I'm not sure why this amuses me, but Nikki lists her Background/Nationality as "Caucasian." If you didn't already know, Nikki could tell you: Caucasians really like Country Rock. Brooke keeps a Dancer Diary too.

9) When I first saw Leany's name in the Romance Novel script the Heat use on their website, I misread it as "Learny," which I think would make a great name for anybody, girl or boy. "Hi, I'm Learny. Tell me all about yourself, and everything you know. It's what I do!" I almost put Leany at #1 because she's a red-head who looks like a dirty, dirty girl. Whose Ideal Job would be "A controller of an internationally known corporation." Whose offices I would break into in my all-black cat-burglar outfit, only to be captured by Leany when she swiveled around to confront me in her high-backed internationally known corporation chair, and be tortured by her sexually.

10) Layla – another potential #1, based on my suspicion that she is this squad's Queen Bee. Their leader: the one that can shake it, shake it, shake it like no one on the squad can shake it, and will get up in your grill if she thinks you are slacking in the Shaking It Department. She's British and North African, which right there doubles your pleasure (think of the phone sex alone), and she has a fairly interesting Pet Peeve, which is "When people interpret kindness as a weakness," adding, "as well as rude people!" I just wish she'd have dropped the exclamation point, as well as the "LOL" she threw in after "Everything" in her If You Looked In My Trunk You Would Find entry. Her favorite movie is GoodFellas, so we could totally hang.

11) Susie took the Heat Dancer Bio Questionnaire way seriously. She is completely dedicated to dance, which I honestly respect, and do not mock – Champy, after all, is a cartoonist, which is not a great leg to stand on if you're gonna Career Mock. "I would never be able to do anything else that didn't involve dance," she writes in her Aside From Dancing, My Ideal Job Would Be entry. She's her own woman. You can practically feel her gripping your spangled lapels, encouraging you to never give up, in her Advice To Young Dancers, and she names a New York choreographer named Robert Battle as her Dance Icon (as opposed to naming Janet Jackson, as other dancers seem to do compulsively). This is an artist on a mission. She may over-use the word "amazing," but oh my God, forget it, here I go, I'm falling for her! We gotta move on, quickly...

12) Laura hates negative energy and confirms my prejudice that Real Estate Agent and Cheerleading are conjoined twin professions (they might make Triplets with Dental Assistant; quadruplets with Flight Attendant). I might buy a house built over an Indian burial ground, with high Radon readings, from Laura. She's all biz; a power-of-positive-thinking machine; cross her and she'll have your knee caps broken: reads The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, watches The Godfather, and has a resolve that's undoubtedly as steely as her breasts appear to the eye.

13) Katya claims she was "a nerd" ten years ago, which is one of the all-time classic eye-roll-causing cute-girl misapprehensions about themselves. And you just let 'em have it, because what can you say? Who does it harm? You, for a little while, sure.

14) Karelix, keep reaching for the stars: "Ten years ago I was a cheerleader in high school who dreamed of being a Miami Heat Dancer one day! Who would've thought!"

15) Gina bowls, is short (Quote To Live By: "Good things come in small packages!"), and thinks her Best Quality is her height. She's probably not even sick of being called "spunky," like any sane short attractive energetic woman would be. She abides by those 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, and I've about had it with her.

16) One of Sherina's nicknames is "Sheesh," as in what you would be exclaiming every time she opened her mouth. And even when she kept it shut: her Best Quality is "unspoken persuasiveness." We can only imagine.

17) Naimah seems like a good person – she's positive, she likes to cuddle – and I seem like a hateful one. We'd make a bad couple. And I apologize to the universe, for everything.

18) I object to Maddy's Quote To Live By: "Live like you're dying." You mean, stay connected to a respirator and sleep constantly?

19) One of the words Lynesa uses to describe herself is "moody." Honesty will get you nowhere, or two ticks from the bottom of my rankings, tops.

20) Keri was locked in a tie with Jamie for The Most Literal-Minded Where I Was 10 Years Ago Entry Of Them All – "10 years ago I was thirteen" – until I gave her the edge for presenting the solution to her math problem deadpan. Her ideal job (aside from dancing!) would be as a speech pathologist "for the rich and famous." Poor people with cleft palates can SUCK IT! Least Fortunate Misspelling: her Style of Dress is listed as "Sexy yet spohisticated."

21) Traci's Most Memorable Moment As A Heat Dancer was "When I pretended to be an usher and performed a country dance in front of the entire arena. To this day, a lot of people still don't know that it was me behind the usher uniform and red bandana." To this day, a lot of people still don't care. Traci is in a tie with Jenni for Best Book I Am Reading Now Entry: "Currently, I am not reading any books but I do like to look at hair magazines from time to time."
- Champagne